It has come to my attention, that I am dealing with a broken heart.
So I guess this is where the quasi- running blog comes into effect, because this has nothing to do with running at all. Unless you count the fact that I’ve spent at least one run thinking these very thoughts, and using said run as therapy---then it has everything to do with running…….
So lets get serious….like Grey’s Anatomy serious.
Girlfriends are so important to the women of the world. We must be able to confide in them, laugh with them, cry with them. So when a friendship that holds so many memories comes to a seemingly end, its much like dealing with a break-up. There are days you don’t want to get out of bed, you can’t face social media (yes that’s reality in this day), and you don’t want to go to some social gatherings for fear of running into them and the awkward exchanges that will follow. There are days when I know I make my husband want to go insane, days when I make my best girl friends go insane…and yet they are still there tomorrow to listen. There is a fear of confiding in them as your person, because you’re afraid of that very same abandonment you can’t bear another ounce of in that moment. They aren’t going to rip your balance from beneath you and show you instability- they aren’t going to take away the little bit of safe you have in your life. But still, you’re afraid.
In the midst of struggling on a daily basis to keep my very sanity when it comes to deep family issues that are complex and layered, and quite seemingly permanent, I sometimes don’t have the strength to reach out to anyone. I am sometimes quite simply, sad… and coping is a chore that I must complete to get to the next day. Sometimes it is all I can do… sometimes I can conquer the world. My mind and heart is so completely complex- and there are few who understand it, I know. I am grateful for those people, and they make this world worth living in. Those very people allow me to have an ever so increasing number of happy days, that have lead to amazing progress and productivity, success, and the ability to be comfortable being me—as I am. Those people show me that everyone has their issues, and those people show me that I am a loveable person, nonetheless. I open up and trust at a snail’s pace and hope that there isn’t some backlash waiting for me as punishment. So how on earth I ask, in yes, anger, could one of those insiders betray me? When you’re friends with someone, you put a lot into them. Its an investment in a future of exchange that you hope will always leave you feeling so fulfilled after a dinner conversation, giddy about a trip to Target, giggly after a funny movie, complete after sharing a “once in a lifetime” moment with them. You never think that all you’ve put in will repeatedly be thrown back in your face, you never think you’ll be able to stop counting on them, you never think you’ll associate exchange of such insincere and disposable demeanor with that person. You never think you won't be worth an apology. I obviously have been through the entire color-wheel of what an awful person I must be…. How undeserving I know I am of having a good friend, of being on the receiving end of a bond that carries time, effort, and loyalty. I obviously have searched for that moment of shatter, when I obviously dropped the ball myself. But there truly is no such moment, and the reality of it is, that some relationships are just not meant to be. Its taken a lot of moments in the past year to come to that realization.
I think that everything happens for a reason. And I think that God is navigating the waters for me… so, I know that there has been a reason for all of these feelings, and the negativity that unfortunately must come with some unhappy moments in life. Its not always what you expect, but God is always teaching in another area of life, when one area suffers. When I married my husband, I believed every word we promised, and every vow we gave. I understood the loyalty, love, and friendship I was going into more than many of you may know. I understood that hard times inevitably will be ahead, but I meant that union with every ounce of my being. I am a substantially different person spiritually than I was a year ago. So many people say they feel no different when they marry someone that they’ve lived with, and possibly dated for a significant amount of time. But I have said and will always say that from that day on, that I did feel a spiritual shift in my life. To be accepted into a family as great as his, and to gain the sense of comfort that comes with being forever bonded with the one person who has always had your back, and loves you more than anything—is something I value more than anything I have in this world. I have spent that past year allowing myself to open up more everyday to the true meaning of family and love. I have realized there is no greater laugh to be had with anyone than with him. There is no better way to spend my time, than with him. I have realized that the person who can help me, love me, heal me the most in this life, is my husband—not someone who constantly hurts and betrays me. Not someone who doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, not someone who kicks me when I am down, and thrives off of jerking the rug out beneath me, when all I really need from a friend is stability. My husband is someone no girlfriend can compete with, he is a true friend under all circumstances. He has helped me redefine the roles people play in my life, and figure out who I truly am and where true happiness lies in my heart. I have figured out that amongst the things I wish to achieve in this life academically, within my community, financially, etc—the thing I know that will bring me the most happiness is having and raising a family with unconditional love and nurture. I look forward to this, and currently enjoy planning for it, while still living in this moment and enjoying it—the first phase of marriage.
A friend at work told me, that people are more important than all the tangible things in this life will ever be. The security of having love in your life, is something that must be valued much more than anything. I know this is true to my core, but am always guarded when treasuring something that can be so quickly taken away from me, for I am a fragile soul. ; ) My history and current truly important emotional battles are understood by few. My husband knew who he was marrying, he knew I was an emotional challenge at times. When you’re someone who loves and cares with such passion like I do, there is a lot of hurt that goes along with it. He must surely take pride in being the one to pick me up after I’m defeated by hurt and sadness. So while the challenge of moving on from this tragic breakup will continue to loom around hidden corners, I believe there are great relationships currently sizzling and also marinating ahead. (Can you tell I'm hungry?) I read an article recently that talked about how the ending of one friendship can make you a better friend to the truly valuable people in your life. So, I do hope I can refocus some friendship energy on some of the gratifying people in my life. The ones who listen to me endlessly complain about important and not so important issues, and actually take part in mutual exhanges about lifes adventures.
I know I have to forgive and forget to move on and heal my broken heart, and I have a realization in my heart that I need to be spending a lot of time with God in the near future in order for that to happen. I am grateful I have that opportunity to do this, and realize the means to get there, but perhaps the biggest point to be taken from this is of how I am so very thankful for the gifts He’s given me thus far in this process.
And lastly, a little musical comic relief to accompany and end your reading experience......
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