Remind me tomorrow about the importance of faith....

            

            On a run this past Sunday, I came to an EPIC conclusion that I was having an issue that was serving as some sort of life road block, a “peace of mind” road block.  I discovered I was having an issue with faith.  It seems as of lately, I've lost the ability (not entirely, just temporarily) to trust in God's plan, and to trust that He has ultimate control over what I cannot see (especially the future).  I am a strong person, and someone who has spent a large deal of time here lately trying to use that gift to be more responsible, and have been constantly preparing for what’s ahead for myself and my family (and my future family…see where all of this is going?)  I believe that your fate ultimately is up to God, however, I also believe in the will of man kind to use the gifts and resources that God has given you, to do your best in life, to contribute to society… it is my belief that it is my responsibility to continually grow and provide for myself and my own, and to use my intuition as communication from God to prepare myself for the future.  I think we all are guilty of sometimes getting so caught up in making sure we have things taken care of in life, that we then are lead to preparing for what comes next to a fault.  It creates a sort of anxiety and craziness that God does not want for us.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much we prepare—there is such a thing as the inevitable.  And it’s going to happen.  So I have been practicing the act of letting God take the reigns, and trusting that my hard work, responsibility, kindness, and trust in God's plan will be enough in exchange for God taking care of things.  It is such a hard thing to do sometimes when you've lived most of your life being dependent upon yourself… and responsible for yourself.  I know I'm not alone in my struggle to trust in the powerful, but sometimes lost, presence of God in my life and the world.

Thankful for this gem I found for today's daily devotional:

(more like, sporadic, whenever I get the chance, needs to happen more often....devotional..)

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful. 

-Colossians 3:15

We all have difficulties, struggles, and challenges, but if we make the mistake of allowing those circumstances to dictate our happiness, we risk missing out on God's abundant life.  It was never His intention for us to live one day "on cloud nine," and the next day down in the dumps because we have problems.  God wants us to live consistently and enjoy every single day of our lives. 

Another negative comes when we focus so much on the future that we get anxious because we don't know what's coming.  Naturally, the uncertainty increases our stress level and creates a sense of insecurity.  When we get to tomorrow, God will five us what we need.  But if we're worried about tomorrow right now, we are bound to be frustrated and discouraged.

                                                                                  --Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Begins 

                                                                                                             Each Morning

Today I’m thankful for all of God’s gifts in my life.  I hope I am serving him to a level that pleases Him, and I will be working on my faith in Him everyday as I plan, as I search, as I hope, as I work, as I love, as I live.

It has come to my attention, that I am dealing with a broken heart.

It has come to my attention, that I am dealing with a broken heart.

So I guess this is where the quasi- running blog comes into effect, because this has nothing to do with running at all.  Unless you count the fact that I’ve spent at least one run thinking these very thoughts, and using said run as therapy---then it has everything to do with running…….

So lets get serious….like Grey’s Anatomy serious.

Girlfriends are so important to the women of the world.  We must be able to confide in them, laugh with them, cry with them.  So when a friendship that holds so many memories comes to a seemingly end, its much like dealing with a break-up.  There are days you don’t want to get out of bed, you can’t face social media (yes that’s reality in this day), and you don’t want to go to some social gatherings for fear of running into them and the awkward exchanges that will follow.  There are days when I know I make my husband want to go insane, days when I make my best girl friends go insane…and yet they are still there tomorrow to listen.  There is a fear of confiding in them as your person, because you’re afraid of that very same abandonment you can’t bear another ounce of in that moment.  They aren’t going to rip your balance from beneath you and show you instability- they aren’t going to take away the little bit of safe you have in your life.  But still, you’re afraid.

In the midst of struggling on a daily basis to keep my very sanity when it comes to deep family issues that are complex and layered, and quite seemingly permanent, I sometimes don’t have the strength to reach out to anyone.  I am sometimes quite simply, sad… and coping is a chore that I must complete to get to the next day.  Sometimes it is all I can do… sometimes I can conquer the world.  My mind and heart is so completely complex- and there are few who understand it, I know.  I am grateful for those people, and they make this world worth living in.  Those very people allow me to have an ever so increasing number of happy days, that have lead to amazing progress and productivity, success, and the ability to be comfortable being me—as I am.  Those people show me that everyone has their issues, and those people show me that I am a loveable person, nonetheless.  I open up and trust at a snail’s pace and hope that there isn’t some backlash waiting for me as punishment.  So how on earth I ask, in yes, anger, could one of those insiders betray me?  When you’re friends with someone, you put a lot into them.  Its an investment in a future of exchange that you hope will always leave you feeling so fulfilled after a dinner conversation, giddy about a trip to Target, giggly after a funny movie, complete after sharing  a “once in a lifetime” moment with them.  You never think that all you’ve put in will repeatedly be thrown back in your face, you never think you’ll be able to stop counting on them, you never think you’ll associate exchange of such insincere and disposable demeanor with that person.    You never think you won't be worth an apology.  I obviously have been through the entire color-wheel of what an awful person I must be…. How undeserving I know I am of having a good friend, of being on the receiving end of a bond that carries time, effort, and loyalty.  I obviously have searched for that moment of shatter, when I obviously dropped the ball myself.  But there truly is no such moment, and the reality of it is, that some relationships are just not meant to be.  Its taken a lot of moments in the past year to come to that realization.

            I think that everything happens for a reason.  And I think that God is navigating the waters for me… so, I know that there has been a reason for all of these feelings, and the negativity that unfortunately must come with some unhappy moments in life.  Its not always what you expect, but God is always teaching in another area of life, when one area suffers.  When I married my husband, I believed every word we promised, and every vow we gave.  I understood the loyalty, love, and friendship I was going into more than many of you may know.  I understood that hard times inevitably will be ahead, but I meant that union with every ounce of my being.  I am a substantially different person spiritually than I was a year ago.  So many people say they feel no different when they marry someone that they’ve lived with, and possibly dated for a significant amount of time.  But I have said and will always say that from that day on, that I did feel a spiritual shift in my life.  To be accepted into a family as great as his, and to gain the sense of comfort that comes with being forever bonded with the one person who has always had your back, and loves you more than anything—is something I value more than anything I have in this world.  I have spent that past year allowing myself to open up more everyday to the true meaning of family and love.  I have realized there is no greater laugh to be had with anyone than with him.  There is no better way to spend my time, than with him.  I have realized that the person who can help me, love me, heal me the most in this life, is my husband—not someone who constantly hurts and betrays me.  Not someone who doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, not someone who kicks me when I am down, and thrives off of jerking the rug out beneath me, when all I really need from a friend is stability.  My husband is someone no girlfriend can compete with, he is a true friend under all circumstances.  He has helped me redefine the roles people play in my life, and figure out who I truly am and where true happiness lies in my heart.  I have figured out that amongst the things I wish to achieve in this life academically, within my community, financially, etc—the thing I know that will bring me the most happiness is having and raising a family with unconditional love and nurture.  I look forward to this, and currently enjoy planning for it, while still living in this moment and enjoying it—the first phase of marriage. 

            A friend at work told me, that people are more important than all the tangible things in this life will ever be.  The security of having love in your life, is something that must be valued much more than anything.  I know this is true to my core, but am always guarded when treasuring something that can be so quickly taken away from me, for I am a fragile soul.  ; )  My history and current truly important emotional battles are understood by few.  My husband knew who he was marrying, he knew I was an emotional challenge at times.  When you’re someone who loves and cares with such passion like I do, there is a lot of hurt that goes along with it.  He must surely take pride in being the one to pick me up after I’m defeated by hurt and sadness.  So while the challenge of moving on from this tragic breakup will continue to loom around hidden corners, I believe there are great relationships currently sizzling and also marinating ahead.  (Can you tell I'm hungry?)  I read an article recently that talked about how the ending of one friendship can make you a better friend to the truly valuable people in your life.  So, I do hope I can refocus some friendship energy on some of the gratifying people in my life.  The ones who listen to me endlessly complain about important and not so important issues, and actually take part in mutual exhanges about lifes adventures.   

I know I have to forgive and forget to move on and heal my broken heart, and I have a realization in my heart that I need to be spending a lot of time with God in the near future in order for that to happen.  I am grateful I have that opportunity to do this, and realize the means to get there, but perhaps the biggest point to be taken from this is of how I am so very thankful for the gifts He’s given me thus far in this process. 

And lastly, a little musical comic relief to accompany and end your reading experience......

The Day I Got to 4! : )

So-I'm starting this blog.  I guess we'll call it a quasi- running, sharing of the thoughts sort of thing..   And I can't guarantee much with it, because I really don't have time to blog, and my free time will become more rare this fall.  

But anyway, guess what?  Today I ran 4 miles.  Some of you may think... holy crap, no thanks.  Others may think- psshh, that's a cinch!  Well I'm here to tell you-- for me, each run is huge.  .......And if you think its a cinch, slow it down and get a new hobby.  (Just kidding, I totally respect the hell out of you!! Seriously.)

I started running at the beginning of last spring-- I was sick and tired of the scale going up a little at a time, and scared of where it would end up, or better yet- that it would never end....the going up, that is.  There was also the need for a hobby- as I am no longer planning a wedding that takes up alot of time.. and was really fun for that matter.  It was a "rite of passage" that I had no problem fully enjoying, and although I may still visit wedding bee from time to time, I seriously seriously needed that new hobby, one that was healthy for me in a multitude of ways...and didn't involve going out to bars every Saturday night and dancing (let's face it, that scene is just getting old)  It bores me, and quite frankly puts me to sleep...literally. Or maybe that's the fact that my life exhausts me right now and I could gladly go to bed by about 9.....eh, 8:30, easily.  Anyway..the new hobby-- is one that will be popping up for a long time to come in my book of life.  Running this summer has been a journey, and I am still on that journey-- and will forever be on that journey.

Just to clarify, a fun night out is not something I'll be getting rid of in my life, I mean, I'm 24 and love to go out.  Really.  Its just a much more selective, sparing process... and I'm happy with that.


Before we continue, I might add, I've had a banana to eat today.  That's not enough.  And I really needed to chug some water out there...but didn't bring any water.  So now I'm sitting here frantically trying to get some of my thoughts recorded with a little bit of a shake and the occasional desperate chugging of a glass of water.  So if things don't make sense from time to time as you read... that's why... and its cool.. I'll eat in a minute.  


So anyway, here I am.  Up to 4 miles!! Well actually.. it was 4.12 miles.  Yay me... I'm looking at the big picture here.  I run 2 to 4 times a week-- anywhere from 8 to 15ish miles a week.  And I'm seeing results.  Results that are an added bonus to my overall improvement of mind, body, and soul satisfaction..the kind I have never experienced in my life really.  I feel like I'm hearing more, seeing more, and being wiser, happier and just ...LIVING!  

One of the biggest things I've discovered, is that although the connections to my past are sacred to me, the bigger treasure is that I am seperate from all of the things that I feel have tied me to a big, tall, thick, SOLID WOODEN post previously.  They've tied me there with guilt, regret, some more guilt, lots and lots of sadness, and the want to please/help/and rescue everyone, and live up to expectations that are not my own.  Guilt not necessarily because I've done something wrong, but because I can't do everything for everyone, or make everyone happy.  Because I want happiness, completeness, love...for everyone in my life.  What I want for me, is to be happy and healthy-- and have a sense of family and love that remind me I am whole and that I am a person that has every right to live a wonderful life!  And, I want to feel that the decisions I make, are the right decisions, the ok decisions, and that I don't have to worry about what everyone thinks about every single little decision.  (Not that they really give a damn anyway, lol, I just think they MIGHT!)  Everyone else's feelings are temporary....whatever I cause them to feel.. is temporary-- and that's life.  I am happy to feel completely good living a life centered around myself, my husband, our family now, our future family, God, great girlfriends,and friends in general, a puppy name Minnie (whom a co-worker told me has the name of a pansy, making it totally hilarious that she will CUT anything that comes through our mail slot) those very co-workers who are also family, the fabulous fall foliage that's about to happen, the future Christmas music that will dance through my ears, great nail color, reflective runs, triumphant HIIT sessions, the pounds I'm shedding and throwing in the trash, forever, and ya know..whatever else comes along.  (That was a short list, ok?)  None of those things are in any particular order of priority, but I'm thinking family, friends and my husband > nail color.  And when I say "good", that's not a mediocre term, that's a term that I am completely content with, no matter how its defined, because "good"  is what I want.  


When I ran today, I thought about the runs I've ran.  (or is it run?  I'm not really a grammar Nazi, so I won't look it up....)  I tried to think about how many runs I've ...ran...this summer.  If we consider May-August summer, then I'd estimate it at 4 months, and about 4 weeks per month equaling 16 weeks.  We'll average the run per week at 3/week, and say its been about... 48 runs.  I like to round things up today, so we'll go with 50.  50 runs later, and 2 days a week of HIIT, plus moderately watching what I eat, and just being happy...and I'm down about 23 pounds.... and countless inches, which I SERIOUSLY wish I would have been keeping track of.  But that's the thing, I'm not really keeping track of it all a whole lot-- and maybe, just maybe that's the key to my success.....

So into fall, I'll continue to run, and I'll continue to do HIIT, and I'll be adding a Saturday strength training to my routine.... and I'll update you.  I'll mostly just be recording my feelings, thoughts, and "break- throughs"  so I can reflect rather casually at where this journey has taken me.  Sounds good to me... I like this blog stuff.  


And last but not least, my fave song by Duffy came on at the end of my run.  I was in cool down mode, trying to get the smell of the new road they were putting down out of my nostrils, and also trying not to make eye contact with the construction workers who were most likely thinking... "wish I had the day off to do things like, run, and listen to my iPod... instead of making this road..."  and this particular song reminds me of my husband..alot.  I love him... alot.  And I have to tell you, one of the biggest motivators for me in this process has been him.  When I began HIIT I was a bit, er I mean, alot apprehensive about going back, ever again, since the first class nearly killed me.  Not to mention, I wasn't thrilled about sweating my butt off and breathing like a bull in front of several other peers of the opposite sex, and some cool chicks that I wanna be like...quite frankly.  So I asked him to please try to work it out to come with me, to help me just GET THERE every class, and then to have a partner that wasn't judging me for my bull breathing and instead loving me, like no other person could possibly love me....and pushing me to love the class.  Its now a necessity for both of us to get to HIIT each week just like eating, breathing (yes, like a bull) and chugging yet another glass of water in this sitting is.  So-- thanks, T.J.  You're awesome, you're a great person, and I am so lucky God chose you for me.  Thanks for marrying me, best friend!!!


So.. I don't know when we'll meet again, could be a month..could be tomorrow---- but I'll see you on the flip side homeslices! : ) 


Oh, and here's that song......