Camera Roll Journal

                Regret.  Sadness.  Trauma. Crying out to Jesus. As I sit here today, I wish I had started writing about this journey sooner.  I wish I had documented my growth in a bit more of a clearly designed blogging process so I could look back on it in awe of how far I’ve come.  Nonetheless, I’ve got to start somewhere.

All of this said, however, with the beauty of our modern world I unknowingly recorded the last two years in another way.  Deeper than the world of Facebook and Instagram is a truthful documentation of my last 3+ years by way of iPhone camera roll.  The photos I don’t share with the world remain in my phone, in the cloud.  15,717 photos, to be exact. Snap shots of sad eyes, of confident smiles, of relaxed embraces, of a dancing and singing child, of a home unkempt, of adventures to pass the days, of text messages shared, of people that no longer exist in my life, of people that never left.  Experience: the intimate version.  I often look back at these photos inadvertently, or with purpose, and there’s no telling what I’ll come across, when I’m simply looking for an old photo of Blakely or trying to figure out the month I started dating someone.  I catch glimpse of a shorter haired, golden curled, blue-eyed version of my own creation.  I am struck by the sadness in my eyes.  I look longingly at my long hair, long gone.  On other days I come to a series of screen shots from messages between a man I once loved and a more naïve but ever-growing version of myself, and on more days than not I am happy I let go now, instead of cripplingly devastated.

So today while I was walking to lunch I was looking for a photo in the mile long camera roll, and came across one of my daughter that I couldn’t remember taking.  It was taken in the last year, so it was notable to me that I couldn’t remember.  I studied the photo and couldn’t get over how beautiful she looks.  I love her cheeks.  I love the way her curls sat on her shoulders, the most genuine of huge smiles and the part in her perfect little baby teeth before she recently lost them.  Ah. Here comes that twinge in my stomach.  This sweet image conjures another memory, one of trauma that she’s faced.  I hate that these thoughts invade my head as I’m admiring what a beautiful soul she is.  I hate that a cloud of darkness slowly creeps over my soul, my demeanor, visibly across my eyes.  Sometimes it is all I can do to not sob in the middle of an ordinary day.  Instead of encouraging her to wiggle them or letting them fall out on her own, her father has taken to yanking them out when she goes to his house and he catches wind of a loose tooth.  She tells me they’re loose and then she reminds herself she won’t tell daddy, because we know what will happen.  It reminds me that he cuts her toenails trying to be helpful, but so short they’re red and bleeding.  I ask him gently to please not continue this practice.  I ask him gently to please let me handle toe and finger clippings.  I plead with him gently to not inflict the pain on her that he holds bottled up in his heart.  She grows more and more immune to the pain she experienced and based on the research I’ve done, the pain is parallel to violence, and as children grow immune to pain, they also grow immune to violence.  They grow immune because they are resilient and they have to in order to cope, and in turn it threatens dysfunction in their future.  Dysfunction, an awful cycle of dysfunction.  I am afraid that she will deal with her trauma with pain as she grows older.  That she will mutilate her body, bathe herself in hateful self-talk, take her feelings out on others physically, put herself in dangerous relationships and scenarios as she grows older.  It reminds me that I have to get her counseling appointment scheduled and while doing that… I also need to schedule one for myself. 

See, I am long overdue for some counseling, again. Employer health plans reach their limits and finding the means to pay for therapy becomes a priority that slowly trickles to the bottom, beneath food, housing, gas and the occasional day of fun.  I think Blakely and I deserve that with what we've been through, as a sort of counteraction to the daily pains we've endured.  I am long overdue to dump my life of pain and trauma on a professional’s lap and let them help me sort through it.  To let them help me cope.  I am long overdue for validation that the work I’ve put into my self-growth and the lessons and boundaries I’ve taken from it are absolutely okay, acceptable, correct and in the best interest of my child and myself.  I am long overdue for professional therapy at the level I deserve.   Furthermore, as I write today, the healing, coping and sorting to be done will be a life-long process for me and I want to take advantage of the new tools I have access to in order to minimize the level of healing, coping and sorting my daughter will have to do for the rest of her life.  I want her to put her energy into healthy outlets and use them to prevent further damage, not to mend her brokenness that she might not be able to overcome.  Nothing is guaranteed.  And she is precious cargo that God has bestowed upon me to take motherly care of for the rest of my life.

 It is only in this love for Blakely, that I have been able to reach into the darkest and most unseen depths of myself in order to rally the courage and stamina to keep going every day.  Trauma causes a warped sense of self.  It causes depression and anxiety.  It causes fear.  I have lived in daily fear for the last two years.  And it is this love for and of my daughter that has shown me scale as to the love Jesus must have for me!  It is this love that has fueled a fire within my soul to recognize the eternal fire that Jesus burns in our hearts and that makes us capable of overcoming and accomplishing anything we can fathom.  It is this love that I feel when I’m sitting in church listening to music and hearing the words of wise Pastor Rachel pour God’s word over me.  I have taken the effective messages and a presence I cannot put into words toward an understanding of God’s love that is invaluable and irreplaceable to me.  This love is all I have needed in order to dig deep within my times of struggle and need.  I have used that love, that fire, to think hard, to pray with persistent faith, to talk to Jesus when I couldn’t bear another day of sadness as heavy as the world on my shoulders.  I have talked it out with Jesus, I have cried it out with Jesus, I have sang it out with Jesus. I have seen Jesus in the form of friends that have never left my side.  I have seen Jesus in my oldest best friend from preschool.  I have seen Jesus in single moms I work with that offer sympathy, support, advice, drinks and hugs.  I have seen Jesus in a gracious cup of coffee.  I have seen Him in forgiveness.  I have seen Him in a lawyer that isn’t out to make money, but to actually help mend family brokenness.  I have seen Him in non-judgmental eyes at food pantries.  I have seen Him in loans or gifts from friends.  I have seen Him in friends from high school that I may only see once a year, but with whom I will always share a bond that doesn't change in value.  I have seen His love in children as the hope of this world.  I have seen Jesus as my demons stared me down and stood in my path and demanded being fought to their death before I could move forward.  I have seen Jesus in a court room waiting area as I was told that my baby girl was being advocated for and that there was hope where I once thought I could give up and die. I have seen Jesus and I have no pride left.  There is no pride in my vulnerable soul and I long to cover anyone accepting with the love He produces freely in my soul.

So as I come to, I stand firm and tall in the notion that I am diamond strong.  There is no wall around me.  There is no pride in that notion.  It is just a fact.  I have been made strong by love.  I am a person of value despite what others may think.  I defend myself against those that go against me because I will not let the sadness they exhibit influence my life.  They strike with hurtful blows. But the hurt anyone has caused in my or my daughter’s lives is ineffective thanks to the validation that Jesus Christ gives me.  I cast away their opinions as I blink my eyes and toss my hair.  (check my nails, baby how you doing? I’m fine as hell…)  I care what no one thinks except for the ultimate judge.  I am in this place because I have been to hell and back and I know what matters to me.  I am just about to hit another ball out of the park.  I am in my stance and tightening my grip to swing.  I am ready to turn corners.  I will take care of me and mine in the order I see fit and in the order that benefits myself and Blakely before I take care of things that are of lesser priority.  It will take time, because I am not an uninhibited infinitely flowing fountain of means required to do so, and for that I will not apologize.  I won’t apologize for someone else’s impatience.  I won’t apologize for someone else’s flaws.  I will live my life graciously and carry on.  I love my daughter, and she has helped me consistently recognize Jesus’s love.  I love Jesus because he sacrificed his life for me.  He did that because spirit is bigger than this tangible world, and in this world, we need hope that there is a greater good.  I carry on because Jesus loves me and I will grow my love for myself and others always.

As I look through my camera roll, the 15,717 images, I’m gifted with a visual reminder of what Blakely and I have worked through.  I am gifted with the fight in her that gave way to the fight within me.  I look at my favorite shirt or her moto jacket, or the velvet cat ears she took from me and made her own for months until they broke.  These photos remind me of conversations we had together about the types of jackets she has and why they’re called what they are.  Conversations that turned into her imagination blossoming over style picks and adventures to be had with friends.  Fighting crime and running wild with wolves.  I work toward focusing on the good times and the good in every visual, and I’m constructing a place in my mind to draw from when the dark clouds come rolling in.  That time was hard.  That time hurt.  I cried.  I slept.  I yelled.  But I am not stuck under that cloud and I overcame. 

I am a blessing to myself and my child.  I will believe it.  I will nurture it.  I will grow it.  Amen.

The Garden Grows.......

Wow, my long lost blog!  Its been so long since I made my way here to record the thoughts I think when I run.  Perhaps because running went by the wayside due to a certain munchkin that ever so resembles me and came from my being?  I have recently picked running back up, and it fits in where it can, adapting to the new Lindsey.  I love the emptiness that running allows my brain to experience.  You start out easing into the breathing and adjusting to the air around you, the air God has given you to take deep into your lungs while you trot the roads.  Thoughts begin to form.  Epiphanies happen.  Progress is made in a runner's heart.  As I make time for this act of fitness, nourishing my cardiovascular health, I am also making time for God to make me better at everything else; the important things.  I've got a mind blowing proclamation for today.  Its amazing to realize that having a child is the most amazing gift God can give, but He doesn't want us to lose ourselves in the process.  God gives us permission to grow spiritually ourselves as well as the tiny human we've created. 


Sometimes when I get my hands in the garden of parenthood, I forget the rose bushes need tending as well.  I forget that there are fruit bearing trees giving gifts of sweetness.  I fail to mow the grass, and pull the weeds of life.  Life is so diverse.  I love that garden so much.  From it I feed my soul!  I create the fuel for the fire of internal nourisment.  It is an art.  It is a science.  It is the best of both worlds.  I could spend all day in the garden, but my spiritual need for balance reminds me that God is calling for the other duties to be dealt with.  Life has highs and lows, a spectrum of color, and a melody of notes.  When I realized being a mother was my life's purpose, I forgot that I was always changing.  When we see the different elements life has to offer, we are inherently and without choice changing.  When things change, we have to adjust appropriately.  We have to make our own tweaks, and make sure the changes fit into our life.  We sometimes have an idealistic picture of what that life should be, but cast it to the side He says.  He has the master paintbrush, and we need to be a color on his canvas.

Amongst my gardening, and painting, and whatever other activity I can think of doing.... I forgot to let God tune my guitar strings.  I got spiritually lost.  God has always known where I was at, but finally the glass is fully transparent and I can see Him too.  My heart has only been cracked so slightly, but I am looking forward to doing the work to open it fully to what the Lord has in store.



 What a relief it is to surrender to God's love.  What a weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Remind me tomorrow about the importance of faith....

            

            On a run this past Sunday, I came to an EPIC conclusion that I was having an issue that was serving as some sort of life road block, a “peace of mind” road block.  I discovered I was having an issue with faith.  It seems as of lately, I've lost the ability (not entirely, just temporarily) to trust in God's plan, and to trust that He has ultimate control over what I cannot see (especially the future).  I am a strong person, and someone who has spent a large deal of time here lately trying to use that gift to be more responsible, and have been constantly preparing for what’s ahead for myself and my family (and my future family…see where all of this is going?)  I believe that your fate ultimately is up to God, however, I also believe in the will of man kind to use the gifts and resources that God has given you, to do your best in life, to contribute to society… it is my belief that it is my responsibility to continually grow and provide for myself and my own, and to use my intuition as communication from God to prepare myself for the future.  I think we all are guilty of sometimes getting so caught up in making sure we have things taken care of in life, that we then are lead to preparing for what comes next to a fault.  It creates a sort of anxiety and craziness that God does not want for us.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much we prepare—there is such a thing as the inevitable.  And it’s going to happen.  So I have been practicing the act of letting God take the reigns, and trusting that my hard work, responsibility, kindness, and trust in God's plan will be enough in exchange for God taking care of things.  It is such a hard thing to do sometimes when you've lived most of your life being dependent upon yourself… and responsible for yourself.  I know I'm not alone in my struggle to trust in the powerful, but sometimes lost, presence of God in my life and the world.

Thankful for this gem I found for today's daily devotional:

(more like, sporadic, whenever I get the chance, needs to happen more often....devotional..)

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful. 

-Colossians 3:15

We all have difficulties, struggles, and challenges, but if we make the mistake of allowing those circumstances to dictate our happiness, we risk missing out on God's abundant life.  It was never His intention for us to live one day "on cloud nine," and the next day down in the dumps because we have problems.  God wants us to live consistently and enjoy every single day of our lives. 

Another negative comes when we focus so much on the future that we get anxious because we don't know what's coming.  Naturally, the uncertainty increases our stress level and creates a sense of insecurity.  When we get to tomorrow, God will five us what we need.  But if we're worried about tomorrow right now, we are bound to be frustrated and discouraged.

                                                                                  --Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Begins 

                                                                                                             Each Morning

Today I’m thankful for all of God’s gifts in my life.  I hope I am serving him to a level that pleases Him, and I will be working on my faith in Him everyday as I plan, as I search, as I hope, as I work, as I love, as I live.

It has come to my attention, that I am dealing with a broken heart.

It has come to my attention, that I am dealing with a broken heart.

So I guess this is where the quasi- running blog comes into effect, because this has nothing to do with running at all.  Unless you count the fact that I’ve spent at least one run thinking these very thoughts, and using said run as therapy---then it has everything to do with running…….

So lets get serious….like Grey’s Anatomy serious.

Girlfriends are so important to the women of the world.  We must be able to confide in them, laugh with them, cry with them.  So when a friendship that holds so many memories comes to a seemingly end, its much like dealing with a break-up.  There are days you don’t want to get out of bed, you can’t face social media (yes that’s reality in this day), and you don’t want to go to some social gatherings for fear of running into them and the awkward exchanges that will follow.  There are days when I know I make my husband want to go insane, days when I make my best girl friends go insane…and yet they are still there tomorrow to listen.  There is a fear of confiding in them as your person, because you’re afraid of that very same abandonment you can’t bear another ounce of in that moment.  They aren’t going to rip your balance from beneath you and show you instability- they aren’t going to take away the little bit of safe you have in your life.  But still, you’re afraid.

In the midst of struggling on a daily basis to keep my very sanity when it comes to deep family issues that are complex and layered, and quite seemingly permanent, I sometimes don’t have the strength to reach out to anyone.  I am sometimes quite simply, sad… and coping is a chore that I must complete to get to the next day.  Sometimes it is all I can do… sometimes I can conquer the world.  My mind and heart is so completely complex- and there are few who understand it, I know.  I am grateful for those people, and they make this world worth living in.  Those very people allow me to have an ever so increasing number of happy days, that have lead to amazing progress and productivity, success, and the ability to be comfortable being me—as I am.  Those people show me that everyone has their issues, and those people show me that I am a loveable person, nonetheless.  I open up and trust at a snail’s pace and hope that there isn’t some backlash waiting for me as punishment.  So how on earth I ask, in yes, anger, could one of those insiders betray me?  When you’re friends with someone, you put a lot into them.  Its an investment in a future of exchange that you hope will always leave you feeling so fulfilled after a dinner conversation, giddy about a trip to Target, giggly after a funny movie, complete after sharing  a “once in a lifetime” moment with them.  You never think that all you’ve put in will repeatedly be thrown back in your face, you never think you’ll be able to stop counting on them, you never think you’ll associate exchange of such insincere and disposable demeanor with that person.    You never think you won't be worth an apology.  I obviously have been through the entire color-wheel of what an awful person I must be…. How undeserving I know I am of having a good friend, of being on the receiving end of a bond that carries time, effort, and loyalty.  I obviously have searched for that moment of shatter, when I obviously dropped the ball myself.  But there truly is no such moment, and the reality of it is, that some relationships are just not meant to be.  Its taken a lot of moments in the past year to come to that realization.

            I think that everything happens for a reason.  And I think that God is navigating the waters for me… so, I know that there has been a reason for all of these feelings, and the negativity that unfortunately must come with some unhappy moments in life.  Its not always what you expect, but God is always teaching in another area of life, when one area suffers.  When I married my husband, I believed every word we promised, and every vow we gave.  I understood the loyalty, love, and friendship I was going into more than many of you may know.  I understood that hard times inevitably will be ahead, but I meant that union with every ounce of my being.  I am a substantially different person spiritually than I was a year ago.  So many people say they feel no different when they marry someone that they’ve lived with, and possibly dated for a significant amount of time.  But I have said and will always say that from that day on, that I did feel a spiritual shift in my life.  To be accepted into a family as great as his, and to gain the sense of comfort that comes with being forever bonded with the one person who has always had your back, and loves you more than anything—is something I value more than anything I have in this world.  I have spent that past year allowing myself to open up more everyday to the true meaning of family and love.  I have realized there is no greater laugh to be had with anyone than with him.  There is no better way to spend my time, than with him.  I have realized that the person who can help me, love me, heal me the most in this life, is my husband—not someone who constantly hurts and betrays me.  Not someone who doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, not someone who kicks me when I am down, and thrives off of jerking the rug out beneath me, when all I really need from a friend is stability.  My husband is someone no girlfriend can compete with, he is a true friend under all circumstances.  He has helped me redefine the roles people play in my life, and figure out who I truly am and where true happiness lies in my heart.  I have figured out that amongst the things I wish to achieve in this life academically, within my community, financially, etc—the thing I know that will bring me the most happiness is having and raising a family with unconditional love and nurture.  I look forward to this, and currently enjoy planning for it, while still living in this moment and enjoying it—the first phase of marriage. 

            A friend at work told me, that people are more important than all the tangible things in this life will ever be.  The security of having love in your life, is something that must be valued much more than anything.  I know this is true to my core, but am always guarded when treasuring something that can be so quickly taken away from me, for I am a fragile soul.  ; )  My history and current truly important emotional battles are understood by few.  My husband knew who he was marrying, he knew I was an emotional challenge at times.  When you’re someone who loves and cares with such passion like I do, there is a lot of hurt that goes along with it.  He must surely take pride in being the one to pick me up after I’m defeated by hurt and sadness.  So while the challenge of moving on from this tragic breakup will continue to loom around hidden corners, I believe there are great relationships currently sizzling and also marinating ahead.  (Can you tell I'm hungry?)  I read an article recently that talked about how the ending of one friendship can make you a better friend to the truly valuable people in your life.  So, I do hope I can refocus some friendship energy on some of the gratifying people in my life.  The ones who listen to me endlessly complain about important and not so important issues, and actually take part in mutual exhanges about lifes adventures.   

I know I have to forgive and forget to move on and heal my broken heart, and I have a realization in my heart that I need to be spending a lot of time with God in the near future in order for that to happen.  I am grateful I have that opportunity to do this, and realize the means to get there, but perhaps the biggest point to be taken from this is of how I am so very thankful for the gifts He’s given me thus far in this process. 

And lastly, a little musical comic relief to accompany and end your reading experience......

The Day I Got to 4! : )

So-I'm starting this blog.  I guess we'll call it a quasi- running, sharing of the thoughts sort of thing..   And I can't guarantee much with it, because I really don't have time to blog, and my free time will become more rare this fall.  

But anyway, guess what?  Today I ran 4 miles.  Some of you may think... holy crap, no thanks.  Others may think- psshh, that's a cinch!  Well I'm here to tell you-- for me, each run is huge.  .......And if you think its a cinch, slow it down and get a new hobby.  (Just kidding, I totally respect the hell out of you!! Seriously.)

I started running at the beginning of last spring-- I was sick and tired of the scale going up a little at a time, and scared of where it would end up, or better yet- that it would never end....the going up, that is.  There was also the need for a hobby- as I am no longer planning a wedding that takes up alot of time.. and was really fun for that matter.  It was a "rite of passage" that I had no problem fully enjoying, and although I may still visit wedding bee from time to time, I seriously seriously needed that new hobby, one that was healthy for me in a multitude of ways...and didn't involve going out to bars every Saturday night and dancing (let's face it, that scene is just getting old)  It bores me, and quite frankly puts me to sleep...literally. Or maybe that's the fact that my life exhausts me right now and I could gladly go to bed by about 9.....eh, 8:30, easily.  Anyway..the new hobby-- is one that will be popping up for a long time to come in my book of life.  Running this summer has been a journey, and I am still on that journey-- and will forever be on that journey.

Just to clarify, a fun night out is not something I'll be getting rid of in my life, I mean, I'm 24 and love to go out.  Really.  Its just a much more selective, sparing process... and I'm happy with that.


Before we continue, I might add, I've had a banana to eat today.  That's not enough.  And I really needed to chug some water out there...but didn't bring any water.  So now I'm sitting here frantically trying to get some of my thoughts recorded with a little bit of a shake and the occasional desperate chugging of a glass of water.  So if things don't make sense from time to time as you read... that's why... and its cool.. I'll eat in a minute.  


So anyway, here I am.  Up to 4 miles!! Well actually.. it was 4.12 miles.  Yay me... I'm looking at the big picture here.  I run 2 to 4 times a week-- anywhere from 8 to 15ish miles a week.  And I'm seeing results.  Results that are an added bonus to my overall improvement of mind, body, and soul satisfaction..the kind I have never experienced in my life really.  I feel like I'm hearing more, seeing more, and being wiser, happier and just ...LIVING!  

One of the biggest things I've discovered, is that although the connections to my past are sacred to me, the bigger treasure is that I am seperate from all of the things that I feel have tied me to a big, tall, thick, SOLID WOODEN post previously.  They've tied me there with guilt, regret, some more guilt, lots and lots of sadness, and the want to please/help/and rescue everyone, and live up to expectations that are not my own.  Guilt not necessarily because I've done something wrong, but because I can't do everything for everyone, or make everyone happy.  Because I want happiness, completeness, love...for everyone in my life.  What I want for me, is to be happy and healthy-- and have a sense of family and love that remind me I am whole and that I am a person that has every right to live a wonderful life!  And, I want to feel that the decisions I make, are the right decisions, the ok decisions, and that I don't have to worry about what everyone thinks about every single little decision.  (Not that they really give a damn anyway, lol, I just think they MIGHT!)  Everyone else's feelings are temporary....whatever I cause them to feel.. is temporary-- and that's life.  I am happy to feel completely good living a life centered around myself, my husband, our family now, our future family, God, great girlfriends,and friends in general, a puppy name Minnie (whom a co-worker told me has the name of a pansy, making it totally hilarious that she will CUT anything that comes through our mail slot) those very co-workers who are also family, the fabulous fall foliage that's about to happen, the future Christmas music that will dance through my ears, great nail color, reflective runs, triumphant HIIT sessions, the pounds I'm shedding and throwing in the trash, forever, and ya know..whatever else comes along.  (That was a short list, ok?)  None of those things are in any particular order of priority, but I'm thinking family, friends and my husband > nail color.  And when I say "good", that's not a mediocre term, that's a term that I am completely content with, no matter how its defined, because "good"  is what I want.  


When I ran today, I thought about the runs I've ran.  (or is it run?  I'm not really a grammar Nazi, so I won't look it up....)  I tried to think about how many runs I've ...ran...this summer.  If we consider May-August summer, then I'd estimate it at 4 months, and about 4 weeks per month equaling 16 weeks.  We'll average the run per week at 3/week, and say its been about... 48 runs.  I like to round things up today, so we'll go with 50.  50 runs later, and 2 days a week of HIIT, plus moderately watching what I eat, and just being happy...and I'm down about 23 pounds.... and countless inches, which I SERIOUSLY wish I would have been keeping track of.  But that's the thing, I'm not really keeping track of it all a whole lot-- and maybe, just maybe that's the key to my success.....

So into fall, I'll continue to run, and I'll continue to do HIIT, and I'll be adding a Saturday strength training to my routine.... and I'll update you.  I'll mostly just be recording my feelings, thoughts, and "break- throughs"  so I can reflect rather casually at where this journey has taken me.  Sounds good to me... I like this blog stuff.  


And last but not least, my fave song by Duffy came on at the end of my run.  I was in cool down mode, trying to get the smell of the new road they were putting down out of my nostrils, and also trying not to make eye contact with the construction workers who were most likely thinking... "wish I had the day off to do things like, run, and listen to my iPod... instead of making this road..."  and this particular song reminds me of my husband..alot.  I love him... alot.  And I have to tell you, one of the biggest motivators for me in this process has been him.  When I began HIIT I was a bit, er I mean, alot apprehensive about going back, ever again, since the first class nearly killed me.  Not to mention, I wasn't thrilled about sweating my butt off and breathing like a bull in front of several other peers of the opposite sex, and some cool chicks that I wanna be like...quite frankly.  So I asked him to please try to work it out to come with me, to help me just GET THERE every class, and then to have a partner that wasn't judging me for my bull breathing and instead loving me, like no other person could possibly love me....and pushing me to love the class.  Its now a necessity for both of us to get to HIIT each week just like eating, breathing (yes, like a bull) and chugging yet another glass of water in this sitting is.  So-- thanks, T.J.  You're awesome, you're a great person, and I am so lucky God chose you for me.  Thanks for marrying me, best friend!!!


So.. I don't know when we'll meet again, could be a month..could be tomorrow---- but I'll see you on the flip side homeslices! : ) 


Oh, and here's that song......